Jamie Luner vs. Jenny McCarthy by Southgate

The new bad girl in town, Jamie Luner, is offered an opportunity to co-host an MTV beach special. The 28 year old Melrose Place star has spent a whole bunch of time in the gym. Ripped and tan, she wears a sleeveless brown tube top that leaves her midriff bare and a pair of spandex shorts that leaves little to the imagination. At night, a crew beach party runs late into the night. Jenny McCarthy has invited herself to the party and her usual antics quickly make her the center of attention. Luner is not happy about sharing the spotlight. She can't resist making some cracks about the blonde 'has been' being reduced to clowning to get any attention at all. Suddenly, McCarthy is all business and in Luner's face.

"And just who the hell are you," demands Jenny, poking her finger repeatedly into Luner's shoulder.

Luner grabs Jenny's finger and twists it hard, challenging, "I'm the working actress, clown, and this is my party, so get you sloppy ass out of here."

Jenny, turning red, slaps Jamie across the face.

"Catfight! Catfight!," the crowd picks up the chant as it forms a wide circle around the two women.

Jenny is ready to go, fists raised, waiting for Luner to make her move.

"So, are you chicken shit," taunts McCarthy.

Jamie turns as if to walk away, then swings around, launching herself at the blonde with fire in her eyes. She side-steps a hastily thrown McCarthy kick, grabs the off-balance blonde by the hair and thwacks a rabbit punch to the back of the blonde's neck. McCarthy drops to one knee. Grabbing a handful of hair, Luner snaps the blonde's head down. Her right fist hammers away at the back of Jenny's neck, dropping the tough blonde to both knees and then flat on her belly as Luner follows her down. The brunette quickly straddles Jenny's back, holding her head up off the ground, her right fist continues to pound the blonde's neck, with every fourth punch slamming into the side of Jenny's face. In big trouble, McCarthy uses her brute strength to push up to all fours. Luner locks her legs around Jenny's waist. The blonde tries to stand but Luner, maintaining her hair hold, is back at work thumping on the blonde's neck and face. Crawling around but unable to stand, McCarthy suddenly flips onto her back, trying to pin Luner under her. The brunette avoids Jenny's attempted head-butt. Though on her back with the blonde on top of her, Jamie cranks up the pressure of her waist scissors. Jenny's body convulses. Luner wraps both hands around the playmate's mouth and nose, cutting off her air supply. Jamie locks her hard thighs tighter still. McCarthy manages to take a chop on the hand covering her face. As Jamie yanks her hand away, relaxing her hold on the blonde's head, Jenny rams her head back. This time, she catches Jamie flush in the nose. Cursing, a bloodied Luner rakes Jenny's eyes and kicks the blonde away.

Both women are on their feet, Jamie holds her nose to stem the bleeding while Jenny rubs her eyes and throat as she breaths hard. Jenny flashes Jamie the bird. Luner just smiles and returns the gesture. The women approach each other again. McCarthy holds her hands up in a challenge. Jamie shrugs, then locks fingers with the blonde. They strain furiously in a test of strength. Jamie, an inch taller, tries to use her height advantage and stretches her arms up high, forcing Jenny to her toes. For 20 seconds, there is no movement. Then, McCarthy slowly forces Luner to one knee. McCarthy can't help but smirk.

"Your not so tough, you ugly bitch," Jenny taunts.

Luner doesn't respond. Grunting, her fingers strain, her knuckles turn white as she glares up at McCarthy. The blonde isn't smirking now. Slowly, Jamie battles her way back up. The brunette's whole body quivers as she tries to take control from the Jenny. Bodies pressed together, their arms stretched overhead, locked fingers trembling, another 20 seconds in a slow motion war.

Luner growls, tries to muster everything she has, as she leans into the blonde. McCarthy's arms tremble for a moment, seem to bend at the elbows, but then straighten. Jamie is sapped. McCarthy once more forces her down, this time to both knees. McCarthy forces the tired brunette back onto her haunches. Jamie suddenly pulls Jenny's hand near her mouth and bites McCarthy's fingers. The blonde curses and pulls away, letting go of the brunette's hands. Jamie springs to her feet, throws her body forward, slamming her shoulder into Jenny's chest. Luner, her feet pumping in the sand, bulls the surprised McCarthy backwards. The crowd separates as Jenny is forced back against the hood of a jeep parked on the sand. Trapping Jenny over the hood, Luner again rakes the blonde's eyes and thwacks an elbow across her chest. Jamie yanks down Jenny's bikini top. With arms pumping like pistons, Luner pounds her fists into the blonde's boobs. McCarthy tries desperately to cover up and roll off the hood. She nearly succeeds until Luner clobbers her with a uppercut that slams into Jenny's chin and snaps her head back. McCarthy, with no more defense than a glazed donut, lies precariously across the hood once more. Luner slams an ax handle down into Jenny's belly and pulls her off the hood. As Jenny's feet hit the sand, Jamie rams her knee into the blonde's crotch, nails her with a thundering uppercut. Slamming McCarthy back against the car, Jamie presses her shoulder into her helpless foe and beats the blonde's belly with both fists flailing. McCarthy slumps onto Luner. Jamie steps away and the blonde slides down on to her butt.

Luner steps back to admire her handy work as McCarthy sits slumped forward on the ground. In a quick motion, Luner bends, grabs her foe's ankles and pulls forward, dragging the blonde across the sand to the center of the crowd. Holding her legs apart, Jamie stomps down rapidly into Jenny's crotch. As McCarthy screams, Jamie turns her over and applies a Boston crab. McCarthy struggles fiercely for 15 seconds or so, trying hard to twist free, but Jamie has set herself low and holds Jenny's legs securely.

McCarthy is banging her fists into the sand, screaming. The crowd is chanting "Jamie, Jamie!"

But Luner suddenly release her hold.

"Oh no, I haven't finished with her yet," she shouts, relishing the crowds' roaring approval.

Grabbing Jenny by her hair Jamie pulls her to her feet, slams a knee into her belly and steps aside as she lets the blonde fall back to the sand. McCarthy rolls to her side, holding her belly. Jamie leaps high and lands with both knees thudding into Jenny's ribs. The brunette straddles Jenny's waist, pinning her arms under her own legs. Jamie drops her butt heavily on McCarthy's chest. Jenny bucks for all she's worth, then arches up, nearly unseating Luner. Jamie wavers but recovers her balance, then beats her left fist backward repeatedly into Jenny's gut. McCarthy's body crashes back to the ground. Jamie wraps both hands around Jenny's neck. Jenny's face turns white then blue. Luner releases her hold, scrambles to her feet. She stops to flex for the crowd. Once more they pick up their chant, "Jamie! Jamie!"

Bending forward, Jamie takes a handful of blonde hair and hauls the trashed McCarthy to her feet. Wrapping her arms around Jenny's back, Luner applies a bear hug. She slowly bends Jenny backwards, laughing as Jenny groans in agony.

"Give up or I'll break your back, slut," Jamie threatens as she leans as far forward as she can to put maximum pressure on McCarthy's back.

"F*** you!" Jenny screams.

Luner shifts Jenny's body, straightening her up as she lifts the blonde off her feet, preparing for an atomic drop. But she lifts Jenny up, the blonde pulls her arms free. She grabs Jamie by the hair with her left hand, yanking her head back. McCarthy's right fist explodes into the brunette's face. A second punch follows right behind the first. Luner's arms go slack. Jenny drops to the ground. Luner falls to her knees, dazed, her nose bleeding again. The blonde rolls on the sand, holding her back.

Both women are slow to recover. Luner, furious, is first on her feet. She launches herself at McCarthy, lands on top of her. McCarthy wraps her arms around Jamie's head, trying to roll her over while Luner spreads her legs wide for leverage. Lying chest to chest, Jamie starts to beat her fists into Jenny's ribs. Jenny scoops a handful of sand and slams her hand into Jamie's face, grinding the sand across Jamie's eyes. As Luner pulls back, Jenny slams her fists into both sides of Jamie's head. Luner kneels upright, grabs Jenny by the wrists and tries to pin her arms down.

In a slow motion struggle, Jenny tries to break free. Luner manages to pin one of the blonde's arms down, but McCarthy gets a tight hair hold with her left hand. The brunette reaches back and twists one of Jenny's fingers, pulling her hand from her hair, but Jenny yanks it free and again latches onto Jamie's hair. Luner flattens her body on top of McCarthy's. Chest to chest, Luner tries to press the air from her blonde foe. She's able to secure one of Jenny's arms on the ground, but Jenny thrusts her hips up and manages to shove Jamie off. Her relief is short lived, Jamie leaps back on top, scissoring the blonde's right leg between her thighs as she pins Jenny's arms to the sand. Once more Luner presses her body down hard on top of McCarthy. For a few moments, it seems that the blonde is finally subdued, but a sudden thrust of her hips rolls Jamie to her side. Jenny rolls with her and lands on top. Her right arm is locked tight around the back of Jamie's neck. Her left arm catches Jamie's right wrist and pins her down. McCarthy grinds her hip bone into Jamie's crotch. Luner tries to twist free tugging at Jenny's hair, but McCarthy holds on. Jamie wrestles her right arm free and slams her palm up into Jenny' chin, but cannot capitalize on her attack. Jenny forces her arm back down. Luner twists once more and this time rolls the blonde over. Luner press her chin into Jenny's neck as she forces both of McCarthy's wrists to the ground. It takes everything she has to pin the blonde down. Jenny thrashes her legs. Luner counters, shifting her thighs outside of Jenny's and drawing her legs tight together.

With a wild roar, McCarthy bucks and rolls Jamie over once more. She lies sideways across Luner, trying to keep her left arm around the brunette's neck, but Luner forces her right arm up around Jenny's chin and forces her head back. The brunette is on her side, Jenny lying across her hip. Jamie's hand has McCarthy's head bent down to the sand. Jenny twists her body and manages to slip free, but Luner twists with her, blasting her palm up into Jenny's chin once more. Both women are on their sides. McCarthy grabs a handful of the brunette's hair and yanks her head back. Luner sinks the fingers of her right hand in Jenny's face, covering her nose and mouth. Luner surges as she rolls on top of McCarthy, trying to smother the blonde bitch. But still, McCarthy has fight left in her. She yanks back hard on Jamie's hair, lifting her head back. Tears well up in the brunette's eyes as McCarthy tries to scalp her. With a resounding 'crack,' McCarthy's right fist explodes into Luner's jaw. The actress shudders. Bam! Another fist slams into her chin. Luner rolls to her side.

Jenny scoots over and jams both knees into Jamie's back. The blonde grabs Jamie's head and pulls Luner into a neck scissors. Jenny rests on her elbows, Luner's head is trapped between her thighs. Giving it all she's got, Jenny crunches Jamie's neck. Luner struggles mightily. She tries to dig her fingers into McCarthy's thighs. Jenny grabs her victim's right hand and bends back on the wrist and fingers mercilessly. Luner shrieks, twisting her body from side to side for a few moments, but all her failing leaves her exhausted as Jenny cuts off her oxygen.

McCarthy suddenly snaps her legs open. She stands, leaving Jamie sprawled out on the mat.

The nasty blonde walks around the circle, threatening, "Who thought this trash could beat me!, Who cheered for this ugly bitch!."

Jenny turns back to Luner. With exaggerated disdain, the blonde uses one foot to roll Luner onto her belly. McCarthy leaps high and hits a perfect knee drop that nearly breaks the brunette's back. McCarthy hair hauls Luner to her feet and buries her right fist in Jamie's gut. Twice more, McCarthy blasts Luner in the belly, leaving her gasping for breath on rubber legs. Jamie slumps down but Jenny yanks up on her hair. Jenny twists her left hand into Jamie's hair and drags her over to the jeep. She slams Jamie's head into the hood, spins her around and bends her back across the hood, planning to repay Luner in kind for the humiliating beating she endured. McCarthy rips off Jamie's tube top and lays into her, blasting the brunette's chest and belly repeatedly with elbow smashes. McCarthy steps back. Luner somehow manages to slide off the hood, standing on very shaky legs. Jenny steps back spins and nearly decapitates Luner with a devastating kick to the head. Luner falls forward, out cold.

Just for fun, Jenny hauls Luner back to her feet and twists her into a hammerlock. With one hand yanking up on the brunette's spandex shorts, she cranks up the pressure on the beaten brunette's arm. Jenny drags Luner around the crowd shouting, "I am the greatest, I am the greatest!" Spinning Luner around in circles, McCarthy pitches Luner into the crowd.

"End of the road, you sleasy bitch," shouts the battered but victorious McCarthy, "Now, let's hear it!"

"Jenny! Jenny!" the crowd chants.