JOKERS WILD...THING: Buffy (Sarah Michelle Gellar) vs. Harley Quinn (Mia Sara) by S.P.Eider

Jack Thompson wiped the sweat from his forehead and licked his lips. His suit felt clammy on his 200 lbs frame, his belt fighting a losing battle with the diet of burgers, fries and milkshakes that Jack lived on these days. A bead of sweat ran down his many chins and dropped onto his numerously stained shirt, adding to the cornucopia of aromas that now emanated from the garment. The woman before him was an angel, Jack had never seen anyone so beautiful in his entire 43 years. Nor had he seen so much of a woman in his entire 43 years. The lights of the bar danced across her gyrating body, highlighting perfection wherever they fell. Her soft, pale skin, her firm but sensual physique and her enormous bare breasts. Remembering what the guys in the office had told him, Jack heaved himself forward in his seat and took a fifty dollar bill from his wallet. His stubby fingers fumbled as he attempted to carefully put the bill in the woman's thong, the closest thing to a pocket on her otherwise naked frame. Being so close to her skin was too much for Jack and he dropped the note to the floor.

Before he had a chance to retrieve it, the dark-haired beauty lent forward, whispering Jack's ear, "Don't worry honey. I'll get it."

She then bent down to pick up the bill, her impossibly large chest barely an inch from Jacks face as she did so. Jack sat back in his seat, swallowing hard. The raven-haired dancer moved her face closer to Jack's, smiling with the reddest lips Jack could ever remember seeing.

"My, but you're a big boy aren't you," whispered the seductive goddess. "I won't have to eat for a week after this - though all that cholesterol will probably give me terrible indigestion."

Before Jack could wonder what the woman's comment meant, her exquisite face changed in an instant, replaced with something hideous, inhuman and, most importantly from Jack's terrified perspective, with very sharp teeth. Jack tried to scream but the noise of the club easily drowned out his cries for help. To anyone watching the pair in the club, it would have only seemed like Jack was about to get a hickey for his troubles. Unfortunately for Jack, this was not a hickey he would have woken up from.

Jack closed his eyes as he felt the two rows of teeth touch his neck, bracing himself for the inevitable. And then they were gone. He opened his eyes cautiously and was surprised to see not one woman but two. His original dance partner, her face now returned to normal, though looking utterly furious . This was because she was being held by the hair by another girl, one Jack vaguely remembered seeing as he walked in. Short blond hair framed a cute, if not very happy, face. Like all the girl's in the club, she wore only the skimpiest of red thongs. Her body was petite, yet somehow defined, as though possessed of some hidden strength. Whilst the blonde's chest was barely a fraction of the size of the brunette, they still looked firm, pert and were a welcome distraction for the terrified Jack.

"You know," said the blonde. “When Giles said I had to go undercover for this mission, I didn't realize how literally he meant it. The worst thing is I've just found out there are two other girl's in here called Buffy. How d'you think that makes me feel?"

The brunette wrenched herself from the Buffy's grip and threw a punch at The Slayer's head. Buffy ducked effortlessly and dug two punches deep into the vamp's gut that would have knocked the breath from her, if she was still breathing. Staying on the offensive, Buffy moved with incredible speed, forcing the vampire back with an onslaught of kicks and punches. The dazed brunette wobbled unsteadily on her feet, just in front of the bar.

"Just so you know," said Buffy. “This’s the LAST time I'm going undercover," she snarled as she powered an unstoppable high kick to the brunette's face, her bare sole thumping into the creature's nose with enough force to send the vamp flying though the air into the many bottles behind the bar that smashed in a explosion of glass and alcohol.

Snapping the leg from a nearby wooden chair, Buffy leapt behind the bar. Jack watched as the diminutive blonde disappeared from view for a moment, there was a piercing scream that stopped instantly and a strange cloud of dust rose from behind the bar. Suddenly Buffy popped up, carrying something in each of her hands. Leaping athletically over the bar, Buffy threw the objects at Jack.

"I think these are yours," said the blonde distastefully. "After all you did pay for them."

Jack looked down at the objects in had hands. Two large strange jelly-fish type bags that Jack noticed were just about the same size as the brunette's breasts. The pavement felt hard on Buffy's bare feet as she walked briskly though the dark streets of Sunnydale. The Slayer was fuming as she strode purposefully towards home, warmth and most importantly shoes.

"You'd think those girls make more than enough money to buy their own footwear without stealing mine!" she muttered to no-one in particular. "That's the last time I save their skanky necks!"

Grateful that at least that the rest of her clothes had been spared, Buffy was happy to be dressed again in tight red leather pants and a petite cropped black t-shirt that showed a teasing amount of her small midriff. Passing one of Sunnydale's many dark alleys, Buffy paused; her senses, attuned to even the slightest weirdness, perceived something wasn't right. Cautiously, she stepped into the alley, ironically her lack of footwear now aiding her silent tracking. Looking around, The Slayer noticed a door a few inches open. Attached to the door was a note, written in red crayon a scrap of white paper. The note read, "Come right in B' - The party can't start without you!"

The door lead into a dark corridor, at the end of which a dim light shone from a room. Buffy made her way carefully towards the light, becoming aware of a noise as she did so. It was a noise her time as a Slayer had taught to her to recognize well, that of someone gagged and most likely in danger. Deciding caution might only waste valuable seconds, Buffy sprinted the last few yards into the room. It was large and otherwise empty, save for the lone figure bound and gagged on the chair in the room's center.

"Willow", cried Buffy, racing towards her friend to untie her bonds. "What happened?" Buffy asked as she released the gag first, just in time for Willow to shout a warning. "Behind you!"

Buffy turned, a fraction too late and a fist crashed into her jaw, knocking her backwards onto Willow and causing her chair and it's captive to fall sideways onto the floor. Willow's head hit the floor and she was knocked cold, Buffy quickly shook off the effects of the blow to check on her friend.

"I wouldn't worry too much about her," said a female voice, the accent unmistakably Brooklyn in origin. "You've got bigger fish to get fried by, Muffy!"

Satisfied that Willow was merely unconscious, Buffy looked towards the source of the voice. Despite the many strange things she had seen over the years, occasionally Buffy could still be surprised. This was one of those times. The woman in front of Buffy was wearing a skin-tight one-piece harlequin outfit, complete with a jesters-style, twin horned head-dress, each horn tipped with a white ball. The costume was inversely black and red, the right leg red with a black boot, the left leg black with a red boot. The red and black pattern was reversed on her upper body including one black glove, one red, and her arms and legs bore a number of diamond motifs, again black on red and vice versa. The whole ensemble was completed by a white frilly collar tipped with similar white tassels as her head-dress. Despite the frivolity of her attire, the tightness of the costume well illustrated the woman's athletic physique, not to mention her bigger-than-average bust. The woman's face was painted white and she wore a lone-ranger type mask across her eyes. Her lips were ruby red and set in a sneaky smile.

"I'll tell you this, Little Miss Buffet," said the clownish figure, noticing Buffy's own apparel - I DO like your style! It ain't quite up to my high standard of course but points for trying hun'!"

"Well," said Buffy, standing upright, "I had planned to do all my shopping at Little Miss Psycho this season, but when I got there, all the best stuff had gone. Now I know where."

"Thanks kitten," said the grinning girl, apparently taking Buffy's put down as a compliment. "Anyway, Harley Quinn! Pleased to meet ya and all that - Now, where d'ya wanna we do it?"

"Do what?" asked Buffy, puzzled. "Start your therapy?"

"Don't be crazy B', that's my job! I mean, where we gonna fight? Rumble? Go at it? Kick booty?"

"You want to fight me? Why??"

"Well Bouffant", said Harley with a sigh, "Mr. J' just kicked me out again. He called me a... what was it? Oh yeah, a 'Supercilious Sanctimonious Succubus'. Oh, I just melt when he alliterates." Harley tilted her head slightly to the left and fluttered her eyelashes dreamily. "Anyway," continued the white-faced woman, "I figured he was just a little down cos' of Bats spoiling his latest prank to murder everybody in Gotham.... Man, he's such a kidder!" Lifting her foot, Harley removed her right boot as she continued talking, her foot still covered by her stocking-like bodysuit. "So, I decided my puddin' needed cheerin' up, the way only yours truly can." Removing her left boot, Harley sprung upright, standing on the balls of her feet. "And nothing cheers puddin' up more than seein' a one of the good gal’s getting' her pert heiny handed to her!"

"Wha-," was all Buffy managed to exclaim before Harley's gloved fist cracked into the blonde's jaw, harder than before. Buffy staggered back, surprised at both the speed and power of the punch, as Harley continued her assault with a powerful right hook that sent Buffy sprawling across the room.

"Geez!" said Harley, her demeanor suddenly changing to one of shock and sympathy. "I'm sorry girlie, I guess I don't know my own strength sometimes." Buffy leapt to her feet quickly, the effects of the punches apparently abated. She took up a fighting stance, one leg in front of the other, arms raised karate style. "Don't sweat it," smiled The Slayer. “Just means I don't have to hold back."

Buffy moved at a seemingly impossible speed and launched herself at Harley delivering a quick one-two-three punches to Harley's gut, doubling her over with three grunts. As Harley lurched forward, Buffy wrapped an arm around the clown-girl's neck in a tight headlock and lifted her knee into Harley's stomach twice in rapid succession. Harley's body jolted with the impact and a winded "whhoooooooouppppphhhh" accompanied each blow. With Harley still held, Buffy finished her attack with quick back kick into Harley's exposed face, the blonde's bare sole smacking hard into the white-faced psycho's features.

"If you was a vamp'" said Buffy, "it'd be time for a stake supper now." Assuming her opponent was all but unconscious, Buffy lessened her grip slightly. Harley moved fast, utilizing her location to her advantage. She drove her fist mercilessly between Buffy's legs, the impact bringing a gurgled cry of anguish from the blonde as her body sagged in pain.

"If I was vamp," said Harley, snaking an arm between Buffy's legs, "I wouldn't look this pretty doing THIS," as she spoke, she heaved Buffy from the ground and threw The Slayer across the room like a doll. Buffy's body crashed into the wall and she dropped to the floor, groaning in pain. "Ooh, that looked like it really hurt" smiled Harley. Buffy struggled to her feet, shaking off the effects of a large concrete wall the way most people react to a mild itch.

"I've had worse," said Buffy, her casual attitude replaced with a much more determined glare. "but you won't have." The Slayer instantly cartwheeled across the floor, making up the distance between herself and Harley. At the apex of the maneuver, Buffy's feet cracked into Harley's jaw one after another, knocking the masked girl sideways clutching her face. Landing perfectly placed in front of the staggering Harley, Buffy quickly grabbed the horns of Harley's hood in both hands. "Now these I like," said The Slayer, "I wish all the people I fought came with these." Pulling down on the horns, Buffy powered her knee into Harley's face with a bone-crunching crack. Still holding the headgear, Buffy spun around and flipped Harley over her shoulder onto the unforgiving floor with a resounding thud.

Looking down at her stunned opponent, Buffy noticed a thin trickle of blood running from Harley's nose, made all the more distinct against the snow white make-up that covered her face. The sight immediately gave Buffy pause. Whilst she was accustomed to fighting demons with green, blue and yellow blood, Buffy was never fully comfortable fighting humans, even those equal to her own strength. The pause was all Harley needed and she swung her legs upwards, locking her ankles around Buffy's neck. Before Buffy could react, Harley lifted herself onto her hands and from the handstand position, twisted her deceptively powerful legs and flipped Buffy onto the floor with the same force that Harley herself had impacted upon it so recently.

"Thanks for dropping in Sugah," quipped Harley, her ankles were still clamped around Buffy's neck.

The villainess quickly improved her grip, pulling Buffy's head deep into her thighs, the blonde's face tight against Harley's crotch. Buffy's cries of defiance were muffled into the material of Harley's bodysuit as she wrapped her right leg behind Buffy's head and nestled her foot behind the knee of her left leg, securing an inescapable figure-four headscissors.

"Now this," breathed Harley, "is why I didn't wear any panties today."

Buffy's eyes opened wide in shock, her nose directly against the tight fitting material of Harley's outfit, the thin fabric offering little protection against the part of Harley's body where The Slayer's face was now was trapped. Harley's breath caught in her throat as she tightened the hold, increasing the stimulation in her moistening vagina.

"Oh my!" cried Harley, her voice higher than normal "Mr. J never pushed THAT button... I think your friend over there may be onto something," Harley sighed with a nod toward the still unconscious and bound Willow.

Buffy kicked her legs up and over her head, aiming her feet at Harley's face but the Joker's honey-bunny was too fast and caught Buffy ankles in each of her hands, smiling as she pulled Buffy’s legs wide apart, "Nice view! But it could be better still." Gripping the bottoms of Buffy's leather pants, Harley pulled them off Buffy's legs with a swift jerk. Buffy's bare legs fell back to the floor, her modesty protected only by a small red thong. Harley squealed with delight, "Oh, you wore my favorite!"

Harley placed her hands on the floor to steady herself as she continued to enjoy the hold, arching her back in obvious pleasure. Buffy's muffled cries were escalating though no more audible from her smothered position. Her bare feet slipped on in the floor as she tried to gain a footing with which to escape her position but the longer the hold stayed tight, the less energy Buffy had with which to struggle. Like Harley, Buffy's breathing was also heavy but not with pleasure - it was simply almost impossible to draw in air with her mouth and nose deep in Harley's crotch. Added to that, the pressure on her head from Harley's powerful legs was unrelenting. Buffy had been in fights before, and on some occasions beaten badly. But she had never been used like this, much less by another woman. Buffy was all-too-aware of Harley's pleasure, the crotch of the clown outfit was definitely getting damp.

Noticing Buffy's diminishing strength, Harley sighed, "Hey, no fair. Don't fade out on me. I'm not done yet. If I can't play with you, I might have to wake up the wicked witch of the chair over there."

At the threat to her friend, Buffy steeled herself. This was not a normal fight. And it was time to stop playing by the rules. Buffy opened her mouth and bit down hard on the only target she had, feeling the flesh of Harley's pussy between her teeth. Harley's moans of pleasure changed instantly to a scream of utter agony and she jerked away from Buffy with a yelp. Buffy fell back and lay on the floor, gasping in lungfuls of air. Leaping to her feet, Buffy looked down at the still groaning Quinn.

"You know, normally at this point in the fight I'd make some hilarious quip," said Buffy, "But all that springs to mind right now is.. EEEUUUuuuuwwwwwww!! What the hell is wrong with you!!?"

"Oh I see," replied Harley, her face set in a mock child-like sulk. "When Willow here realizes that oranges aren't the only fruit in the bowl, you're an understanding friend. But when I get myself a taste for it, you go all Eminem on me!" The smile returned to Harley's face when she glanced down at Buffy's bare legs. "Besides," purred the bad girl. "I'm not the one auditioning for Victoria's Secret right now am I?"

Buffy's sudden embarrassment at her state of undress was brief but more than adequate for Harley who plowed her right fist deep into Buffy's midriff. The Slayer bent double, the air flushed from her lungs with a, "WWWHHOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUPPPPHHHH" that led to a bout of wheezing coughs. Still bent over, Buffy caught a quick glimpse of knee as it rapidly approached her face before connecting like somebody ironing an egg. The strike snapped Buffy upright and Harley began to pound the blonde with blow after blow, each one finding it's target with seeming ease. Buffy staggered back under the assault, reacting to every hit with an "Unnh", "aahh", "oofff" or other noise that basically translated into, "Ouch, that hurt!"

One last shot to the jaw knocked Buffy to her knees and she looked up at Harley, her bruised face full of fear. Harley drew back a fist, ready to deliver the KO punch.

"Please," whimpered Buffy, "No more. You win. I should have known I couldn't believe what The Joker had been saying about you."

Harley stopped suddenly, her face quickly looking concerned, “What? What's he been saying"

"Well I only heard it from some vamps who worked for him once," said Buffy. "Something about you being useless, irritating and the reason all his plans failed." Harley's face dropped as Buffy delivered the verbal knockout she'd been planning since figuring out what made Harley tick. "Oh yeah. And he doesn't love you."

Harley's body stiffened and her face became furious, screaming, "MR. J NEVER SAID THAT!"

She drove her fist at Buffy's face but instead of face, it hit Buffy's hand as she grabbed Harley's wrist and twisted her arm behind her back in a second.

"No, he didn't," said Buffy as Harley yelped in pain. "But I won't tell if you won't!"

Buffy burst into action, easily shaking off the effects of Harley's previous onslaught that she had in fact been in control of the whole time. Buffy knew the best places to take a hit and not get hurt.. and diametrically, she knew exactly where to hurt someone. And she had the tools to do it. Keeping the armlock tight, Buffy drove a knee into Harley's kidneys hard. Altering her position, Buffy twisted Harley's captive arm further, causing the painted girl to squeal as she was forced to lean forwards just to ease some of the pain in her bent limb. With a captive target before her, Buffy delivered a roundhouse kick into Harley's belly changing Harley's scream to a hoarse rasping noise. Buffy repeated the kick again. And again. Changing tactics slightly, a high kick cracked into Harley's jaw with teeth-jarring impact.

Buffy released the armlock. Harley was now so dazed, holding her in position was no longer necessary. Buffy picked her targets and discharged punches and kicks with a frightening speed and accuracy. Well, frightening for Harley at least. A roundhouse to the head smacked across Harley's face, Buffy's bare foot distorting the dazed girl's features and coming away with white make up on her sole. Two punches to Harley's gut jerked her body like a violent case of hiccups and a headbutt to the bridge of her nose nearly sent her all the way to dreamland.

Buffy stopped for a second, as though aware of the brutality of her assault. Her opponent was clearly finished. It was time to tie her up for the authorities, get Willow and leave quietly. Buffy smiled.

The Slayer's foot thumped into Harley's pussy with enough force to split the clown in two. Harley's body was lifted from the floor as though suffering from an internal earthquake. White hot pain ignited in Harley's crotch and she screamed loud enough to wake the dead (an occupational hazard in Sunnydale). Slumping to the floor, Harley's hands held her aching sex as waves of Nausea spread throughout her battered body as she looked up at Buffy, her eyes filling with tears, "This ain't funny any more!"

"Who's laughing?" asked Buffy, using her foot to push Harley onto her back. Stepping over her beaten foe, Buffy wiped the sweat from her brow. "I still owe you one more thing."

Dropping to her knees, Buffy straddled Harley's chest. Moving slowly up Harley's body, Buffy slipped her thumb under the elastic of her panties and gave a quick tug. The elastic snapped with a twang and Buffy pulled the thong away to reveal her blonde thatch. The top was next, removed to display Buffy's pert breasts for the second time that night.

"Now," whispered Buffy to the nervous Quinn. "I don't know if it's the fight... or all those naked dancers earlier... but I'm feeling very HORNY." Gripping the horns of Harley's hood as she had done earlier, Buffy pulled the struggling girl's head upwards, simultaneously moving her hips forward so her pussy was now only centimeters from Harley's face. "You wanted a taste?" asked The Slayer to her now panicking opponent, "It's all yours!"

Buffy thrust her pussy forcefully onto Harley's features, hauling up on the two horns to ensure the beaten girl's face was pulled completely into her awaiting sex. Buffy's body quivered as Harley's nose first touched her sex lips, and then parted them, being drawn totally into The Slayer's pussy. Buffy groaned softly as intense pleasure gripped her body as tightly as she was gripping her humbled attacker. Slowly moving her hips, Buffy began to work her pussy across Harley's face, massaging her soft pink flesh against the now sobbing girl's features. Buffy's movements gradually increased in intensity and she released her grip on Harley's jester's head-dress so as to put both hands behind Harley's head and pull her still deeper into her insatiable vagina.

Buffy was grinding her pussy mercilessly on Harley' face, the muffled sobs barely audible from between Buffy's legs only heightened her pleasure. Harder and harder The Slayer rode Harley's face until the moment her ecstasy reached it's apex. Buffy froze, Harley's nose deep inside her moist, quivering lips... a final scream of ecstasy accompanied Buffy's earth-moving orgasm and she exploded her joy over the bloodied face of her opponent, now a mess of blood, make up and Buffy's victory. Breathing heavily, Buffy stood up and looked down at the sobbing girl beneath her. A vicious kick to the jaw KO'd Harley and Buffy retrieved her clothes and quickly dressed herself. As she finished putting on her t-shirt, a voice behind her caused her to turn quickly, hands and feet poised for another fight.

"I hope you're planning to use those on these ropes," said Willow as Buffy untied the redhead and helped her to her feet.

"Umm...Will…'" said Buffy, suddenly realizing she hadn’t been alone during her intense battle. "When did you wake up? Just out of curiosity's sake, you know?"

"Oh, just now. You were straightening your T-shirt after kicking Harley's butt."

"Oh! Cool. Yeah!" Buffy gave a small sigh of relief. "Well, she's out cold, we'll have to ask Giles how best to contain her in future. Let's get out of here"

"Yeah, let's go Buffy," smiled Willow.

Buffy walked through the door with Willow close behind. But before leaving, Willow turned back to the unconscious Harley and whispered to the beaten clown, "Hey, that red thong is MY favorite too!" she said, smiling much broader this time. Things were definitely looking up.