Penelope Cruz vs Jamie Pressly

Featuring Salma Hayek & Vanessa Williams

"Yack! Yack! Yack! 'I wish there were more shower scenes....' Hmpt! Turkey!" Vanessa Williams mockingly says. She lounges watching an interview of her ex-husband, Rick Fox promoting the video for his first movie, Meet The Browns, The interviewer asked him about his co-stars Sofia Vergara and Angela Bassett's beauty. "You were married to me stupid! Now you're acting like you've never seen a drop dead gorgeous woman before." Vanessa furiously comments. "What am I? Chopped liver?"

"That Angela Bassett is beautiful and sooo classy...." Penelope Cruz starts.

Salma Hayek"Excuse Me!" Vanessa interrupts. "I think I'm qualified to comment on beauty. I made People Magazine's 50 Most Beautiful list again. Didn't I Salma?"

"Yes, you sure did" Salma answers in her deep lusty voice.

"And I believe you made that list too, didn't you Salma?" Vanessa asks.

"Why yes, I believe I did." Salma answers.

"So, we are qualified to talk about beauty." Vanessa continues. "Now, Penelope, I don't remember seeing you on that list. What about you?" Vanessa pauses for a response, but gets only an annoyed glare from her new pal. "... And definitely no Angela Bassett on that list." Vanessa finishes. "I honestly don't see the big deal about Angela anyway. Yeah, she's cute and yeah she can act, but I can act just as well. Why does she get all the top black actress roles, and the critical acclaim and the award nominations?" Vanessa finishes. "I should get her in the ring and kick her ass!"

Penelope burst out laughing. "Are you crazy? Look at those muscles!" Penelope states, while pointing at the big screen TV on the poolside Tiki bar. "She'd beat your brains out!" Penelope sputters, still laughing hysterically.

"I could take her", Vanessa answers trying to boost her own confidence. "How tough can she be? She used to be a cheerleader, and she went to Yale."

"She'd kill you!" Penelope laughs.

"A Yale girl!" Vanessa repeats.

"She'd whip your ass!" Penelope reiterates.

"A Yale girl!!?!!" Vanessa repeats emphatically.

"Then do it!" Penelope challenges. "Get in the ring and do it."

"I don't want to." Vanessa says to her companions laughter. "I'd look jealous, fighting her after she was in a movie with my ex husband. And I have no reason to be jealous of Angela Bassett!" Vanessa proudly announces. "Really I'm not jealous."

"Ha!" Penelope hacks. "You are jealous, and with good cause. Angela in phenomenal, smart, classy, she's like Black Super Woman."

"Black Super Woman my ass!" Vanessa loudly retorts. "If she's Super Woman, then I'm Wonder Woman, and I'd still kick her ass!"

"Then fight her." Penelope insists.

"No, no, no" Salma interrupts, "She's not facing Angela Bassett in her first match, that's too hard. Besides I already have her first match on the docket for the booking committee to vote on for next month's pay Per View. I chose somebody easy, Teri Hatcher." Salma tells her stunned friends.

This whole cordial discussion takes place poolside of a plush exclusive resort. This amazing collection of beauty lies on long lounge chairs, sipping on Bahama Mama's and basking in the sun. The trio decided to take a 'Girlfriends Weekend' to bond, after another heavy training session.

"And I'm glad that Penelope is so eager to set a fight." Salma adds. "Because I already booked her in a match with Jaimie Pressly in two weeks."

"Huh?" Penelope asks dumbfounded with her eyes bugged wide and her mouth hung open.


Next thing Penelope knows she is across the ring facing the blonde wearing a murderous scowl. Thus far, Jamie's catfighting career has been far less than stellar. It began with an embarrassing beating at Pam Anderson's hands in a Cock Fight title match. She had an impressive street fight against Christina Applegate, although she loss. However it did earn her a prestigious invitation into the ABA that she painfully declined. Other than helping out her friend, Alyssa Milano by Bashing Shakira's brains out, this is Jamie's first opportunity to get into the ring again. Jamie knows what it takes to get the job done in the ring. She is also aware how rare opportunities come in this league. Jamie is not about to let this opportunity pass. Rumors of a possible crack at Shakira's Bootylicious Belt are circulating if she wins tonight.

Penelope is wondering exactly what her BFF has gotten her into. She is looking across the ring at Jamie, who looks like she wants to put a serious hurting on her. Salma says that she wants to send a message to her long time rival Alyssa Milano by putting a good beat down on her newfound friend Jamie. Penelope thought that she was ready for this confrontation before she stepped into the ring, but this is proving to be far more intense than she had anticipated.

Jamie cautiously moves out of her corner and closes the distance between her foe. Penelope does the same. As the get closer to the middle of the ring, they warily circle each other. Both starlets' bodies moved rigidly, each being overly cautious.

Suddenly Jamie roars and charges at Penelope. The sudden change in approach shocks Penelope, and she cannot move. Jamie clobbers Penelope across the chest with a forearm shot. The startled beginner tries to strike back with her fist, but the uncomposed starlet is more flailing than executing pinpoint counter strikes. Finally the backpedaling Cruz remembers something Salma taught her and lashes out with her foot, catching the aggressor in the gut.

Penelope slices her sharp bony elbow across Jamie's temple, buckling the blonde's knees and has Jamie seeing stars. With her opponent a little woozy, Penelope pushes Jamie against the ropes then bends her backwards with a hand pressed under the blonde's chin. With Jamie's neck bent back so that her perky tit are pointing up. Jamie goes to work slamming her forearm down repeatedly on Jamie's open chest. Jamie grunts and squeals until Penelope finishes her assault with a knee into Jamie's gut.

Jamie PresslyJamie howls and doubles over allowing Penelope to clobber over the back with several other forearm shots. Jamie falls to her knees. Jamie reaches out and grabs Penelope by her bikini bottoms and jerks her forward. Falling off balance, Penelope falls to her knees with her chest against the middle ropes. Fiendishly, Jamie pushes Penelope's throat against the rope and presses down on the back of her head and neck to choke her opponent. While the referee in counting for the break of the illegal hold, Jamie gathers herself a bit.

Jamie breaks the hold and backs away before risking disqualification. Jamie stands while Penelope drops to the canvas. Jamie goes back on the attack quickly, yanking Penelope to her feet by her silky black hair. Jamie ushers Penelope to the corner and slams her face into the turnbuckle. Jamie swiftly turns her foe around to face her and grasps her throat with both hands. The referee counts and reprimands the blatant choke while the fans also voice their disapproval. After Jamie breaks to again avoid disqualification, Penelope slumps down to her ass. Jamie grins at the ref then places her foot on Penelope's throat and chokes her again. The ref counts and admonishes Jamie's disregard for the rules.

The referee pushes Jamie back to allow Penelope to get to her feet unmolested. Hacking and gagging Penelope struggles to her feet. As soon as she stands, Jamie pushes past the referee and grabs two handfuls of hair and flings Penelope across the ring by her black locks. Penelope lands in a heap with a boom across the ring.

Backstage, Salma Hayek and Vanessa Williams are attentively watching the action in Penelope's dressing room on the TV monitor. Vanessa cringes seeing Penelope's hard landing. "She's cheating!" Vanessa exclaims. "Should we go out there and do something?"

"Nooo Penelope's fine!" Salma sings back. "Remember the reason for this match is to send a message to Jamie's friend, Alyssa Milano and the rest of the league that we are back. We'll go down there but in time V Dub, in time." Salma coolly responds. Vanessa frowns back at Salma.

Penelope is scrambling back to her feet in the ring. Jamie is there waiting and sending a boot to Penelope's ribs. With Penelope standing on shaky legs, Jamie grabs an arm and whips her into the ropes. On th rebound, Penelope leaps at Jamie and takes her down with a body block. Penelope holds Jamie down to the mat as the referee drops to the canvas as quick as a flash to begin a three count. Jamie kicks out easily.

Both girls scramble to their feet. They turn to face each other and Penelope lashes out with a kick to Jamie's stomach. With Jamie stopped for an instant, Penelope clutches her opponent, turns back to back and bends forward for a back slide pin attempt. Jamie again kicks out early.

Penelope follows quickly, but as she pulls Jamie to her feet, the blonde responds with ripping fist originating to her foe's stomach, before rocking her with big right hand fists to the jaw. With Penelope stunned, and backed into the corner, Jamie grabs two handfuls of hair and again flings Penelope across the ring. Again Penelope lands in a heap of limbs. Jamie dives on top of the confused bungle and straightens Penelope for a pin attempt. However, Penelope kicks out well before the three count. Jamie immediately goes for a two handed choke until the official makes her break the rule infraction.

Jamie springs to her feet and attacks with a couple of kicks to Penelope. Then Jamie places her foot across her victim's throat and uses the nearby ring rope to get more leverage to choke Penelope again. The referee again rescues Penelope as she flails with her arms and legs by calling for the break.

The boos permeate the arena. Jamie takes a moment to flip off the fans squawking, "Shut up!" and "Fuck yall!" She quickly returns to Penelope and scoops her up in her arms and delivers a thunderous body slam. Jamie drops on top of Penelope again for a pin fall, but the brunette vixen kicks out long before the three count. However the toll of the match is showing on Penelope, her movements are slower and fatigue is obviously setting in.

Unphased by the failed pin attempt Jamie rises and pulls Penelope to her feet with her. Once standing, Jamie attacks with a an eye gouge to Penelope. Blinded, Penelope staggers away. She wanders near the corner where Jamie traps her, and turns her back to the turnbuckle. Then Jamie bends over and starts ramming her shoulder into Penelope's mid section. Jamie next whips Penelope across the ring then charges in after her as she collides hard into the corner. As the blonde rushes in, Penelope raises her legs and captures the charging beauty in a head scissors. Showing the first signs of offense in a while, Penelope takes Jamie to the mat with her flying leg scissors take down. The two beauties break apart upon impact with the mat.

Penelope and Jamie both stand. Penelope walks right into a chop across her breasts. A few more chops take the steam out of Penelope and have her staggering into the ropes. There, Jamie again pushes her throat against the ropes and chokes Penelope again. This time the referee physically intervenes and breaks the choke. The boos drown out all other sounds in the arena. Jamie just flips another finger. Then she bends over and lowers her bikini bottom, mooning the audience. "Kiss my ass!" Jamie responds to the fans, shaking and smacking her sexy butt.

"Gosh, she is such a classless bitch." Salma comments in disgust back stage. "Remember when she said she didn't like Ugly Betty in that Maxim interview?" Salma asks Vanessa, referring to the TV show that Vanessa stars, and Salma is the executive producer. "It's just bigging up the ugly, fat girl' she said." Salma mocks. "She's going to pay for that comment tonight. That's why I chose her as the first victim. Everybody will respect the three of us after tonight." Salma declares. Vanessa glares back at Salma curiously. She knows her leader has a definite scheme in mind, however she has not chosen to share it with her or Penelope yet.

Jamie returns her attention back to her opponent in the ring, and approaches. From her knees. Penelope fires a punch at Jamie's beltline, dangerously close to being a low blow, if it was not one already. Jamie stops in her tracks and howls, as Penelope sends another fist deep into the blonde's gut. Penelope stands and draws way back and delivers a looping haymaker to Jamie's face. Jamie's head spins around and her golden blonde hair goes flying. The knock out blow leaves Jamie dazed but still standing and reeling into the ropes.

"Bitch!" Penelope screams out of anger and frustration from the beating she has been receiving in this match. "Take this!" the brunette taunts as she fires a slapping chop to Jamie's perky tits. Penelope then whips Jamie across the ring and drops her with an elbow to the face after she rebounds off of the ropes. The fans are starting to get behind Penelope as Jamie struggles back to her feet. The Spaniard levels the blonde with a flying cross body block. The referee gets a two count before Jamie kicks out.

Penelope scrambles to her feet and says "Come on Chica, let's Go!" Jamie is rising much slower than her opponent. The brunette is waiting and lashes out with a kick to Jamie's gut, doubling her over. Penelope clutches Jamie around her head and falls backwards, executing a DDT. Jamie's head makes boom as she is planted into the canvas, and her body limply falls soon afterward. Penelope goes for the pin and hooks the leg. The referee goes for the count, but the blonde kicks out at two and a half.

Penelope is obviously frustrated and disheartened after the kick out. She blatantly displays her inexperience of this being her first match in the Battle Zone. Penelope frowns and looks at the referee as if she is expecting some kind of help as the two brawling beauties slowly rise to their feet. Penelope explodes with a punch that drops Jamie to her hands and knees. Penelope grabs a handful of hair to pull Jamie back to her feet, but the blonde retaliates with a flurry of fist in to Penelope's flat stomach. Finally Jamie pushes up from her knees, and puts her shoulder in Penelope's belly and drives her backward into the turnbuckle. After the hard crash into the turnbuckle, Jamie explodes on Penelope with a barrage of fist and forearms to Penelope's face. After Jamie is finished, Penelope is swooning and punch drunk in the corner. Penelope's black hair partially covers her face as her head lolls on her shoulders. Penelope wears the super sexy look of a heroine is distress.

Jamie whips Penelope across the ring for a hard landing in the corner on the opposite side of the ring. Jamie charges right in after her prey. Penelope surprises everyone by showing the spirit to fight back. Penelope again raises her legs up and captures Jamie in a leg scissors. Penelope is about to send Jamie flying and twisting to the canvas with another flying leg scissors take down, but her inexperience again costs her. Jamie quickly realizes that Penelope is going for the same move and blocks it. Jamie next grabs her opponent by her bikini bottoms and hoists her out of the corner with Penelope sitting on her shoulders and her face in the brunette's crotch. Jamie turns around till her back is to the corner and sends Penelope crashing down with a power bomb. Penelope's skinny and slender body makes a surprisingly loud thump as she crashes to the canvas.

Penelope is flat on her back with her arms spread out to the side. She may be knocked cold, but Jamie does not realize it at this point. She hooks both of Penelope's legs so her butt is in the air in a matchbook pin. The referee drop for the count, then Jamie puts both of her feet on the middle turnbuckle for extra leverage to hold her opponent down. The final rule infraction is totally unnecessary as Penelope does not even move as the referee make the three count.

Backstage Salma is stone faced. "Come on V Dub, its time to go send our message." Salma stands and starts briskly power walking to the ring. Vanessa is totally confused about what Salma is talking about, but briskly follows her wearing a stern face as well.

Moments later, Salma and Vanessa walk through the curtains and into the area. Penelope is still flat on her back looking up at the lights. The power bomb had knocked her totally silly. Meanwhile Jamie is celebrating and flaunting around the ring. She taunts and teases the jeering fans at ringside, put off by her illegal tactics. Jamie gives them a steady venom of profanity and wise cracks like she is a guest on stage at the Jerry Springer Show.

Salma and Vanessa arrive at ringside. "Tend to Penelope, V Dub. I'll take care of this." Salma directs. Vanessa nods her acknowledgement and slides under the bottom rope. Vanessa immediately checks on her new friend. She brushes Penelope's sweat soaked hair from her face. Then she pull Penelope's head into her lap and caress her cheek, resembling a mother caring for her child, whispering sweet words of consolation.

Salma rolls under the bottom ropes and immediately springs to he feet. Jamie is on the opposite side of the ring, paying no attention to Penelope's friends, thinking that they just came to retrieve their vanquished friend. Salma starts charging at Jamie like a rampaging rhinoceros. Intuition makes Jamie turn around just in time as Salma lowers her shoulder and gores the blonde in the mid section. Jamie feels like she is nearly broken in two, as Salma's gore takes her off of her feet and she is driven into the mat with tremendous force. The back of Jamie's head strikes the canvas hard, knocking her silly. The Mexican beauty stays mounted on top of her prey. Before Jamie knows anything else, Salma is drawing her fist back way back behind her head and raining down punch after punch on Jamie's head and face. The blonde squirms and yells as bomb after bomb detonates on her face.

Salma gets off of Jamie, and watches as the dazed and punch drunk blonde scrambles to her feet with arms and legs flailing uncoordinated. "Come on Mamacita! Get your ass up!" Salma shouts. As Jamie rises, Salma grabs her around the head making her double over looking down at the mat. Salma backs to the ropes. Next, using the ropes for extra momentum Salma steps on the middle rope, uses it to step higher on the top rope then springs off, spinning and twisting in the air and brings Jamie crashing to the mat with a tornado DDT move. "Don't you ever talk down Ugly Betty again!" Salma shouts.

Salma pulls a very dazed Jamie back to her feet. She hooks Jaime's head under her arm again and backs into the corner. Salma climbs up and takes a seat on the top turnbuckle. Then Salma jumps off, twisting and turning again and executes another Tornado DDT. Jamie is flat on the mat, when Salma springs up. She immediately climbs up the same turnbuckle that she just was propped on top of and climbs to the top. Salma steadies herself standing on top of the turnbuckle, then leaps off and drops her elbow on Jamie's chest.

Most of the fans are watching stunned at this point. Actually Penelope and Vanessa are looking on stunned too. Salma rolls out off the ring. Jamie is trying to rise and possible flee this attack, but the dazed beauty only makes is up to one knee. Meanwhile Salma has grabbed the ring bell and returns to the ring. She approaches Jamie and swings the bell like a baseball bat and clobbers Jamie over the head. Jamie falls to the mat knocked ice cold. "Still don't like Ugly Betty huh??!?!!"

Fans cringe as the bell makes a sickening 'dank' sound as it collides with Jamie's skull. Daayyymmmmmnnn!!" some fans say at the site. "Shit!" others exclaim. They thought the arrogant cheater deserved something, but no body deserves to get clobbered like that. "Fuck!"

Salma ignores the responses and starts untying the string bikini top off the unconscious blonde's lifeless body. Once she pulled off the top, she starts untying the bottom. Once that is complete, Salma hoists Jamie's limp body to her feet and props her against the ring ropes. Salma secures Jamie's right arm against the ring rope by using her string bikini top to bounds her bicep to the rope. Then she uses the bikini bottoms to bound Jamie's left bicept to the ropes as well.

With the sleeping, blonde, buck naked, beauty dangling from the ropes like a scarecrow, Salma pulls a large red marker out of her pocket. Jamie's head is bowed and her tight, muscled rippling body glistens with sweat. Salma takes the marker and writes in large letters, "I'M BACK!" above Jamie's breast. Then on Jamie's flat tight, abdomen, Salma writes three names "Milano... McCarthy.... CZJ... BEWARE!"

With her message very effectively delivered, Salma turns to Vanessa and Penelope saying, "Let's go." The authoritative tone of Salma's voice was chilling enough to make even the normally dominant, Alpha Females, Vanessa and Penelope quietly and quickly fall in behind the undisputed boss, and leave the ring. Vanessa is helping a little woozy and tired Penelope up the aisle. The audience is still stunned to silence, not knowing what to make out of what they just seen.

Finally never one to hold her tongue Vanessa speaks up, "What the hell was that? Why didn't you tell us what you were going to do? Did you sacrifice Penelope to send your message?" the former beauty queen bombards Salma with questions.

"Of course not. Penelope is my sister." Salma explains. "I would have preferred that Penelope won, but win or loss it didn't change my message. If you're going to survive in this league, you better learn that when you draw your battle lines its best you draw it in blood."

"Oooooohhhhh so violent, I love it when you're bad!" Penelope coos with a sly smile. and swats Salma on her plump butt.

Hearing the comment from her friend, Salma breaks out of her bitchy stupor and laughs answering, "No, you love me when I'm naked!"

Vanessa "I still think you're one crazy little bitch." The trio connects arm over shoulders and return backstage laughing their ass off.



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Kira Knightley New Nudity!