Catherine Bell VS Jenny McCarthy
Guest starring Jeri Ryan

"Where the hell are you Ryan?" Jenny McCarthy yells as she romps through Ortolan, a lavish Los Angeles French restaurant, grabbing patron's glasses and plates and throwing them across the room. "Get your ass out here!"

Jeri Ryan peeks out from the kitchen at Jenny's rampage. Ortolan is her and her husband's restaurant. With most of her customers splattered with food and,running for the exits, Jeri knows she has to do something. Her husband is not there. Jeri wants to avoid the obvious solution of calling the police. It is too embarrassing, and bad for business.

Besides, it is not as if Jeri did not know why Jenny was there. Jenny promised to give Jeri 'The Milano' (Code name for an ABA farewell party. Named after its first recipient, Alyssa Milano) personally after Jeri abandoned the ABA in Las Vegas. "It's time to get your ass beat! You've spit out your damn kid! Come on now, Stop Hiding!" Jenny screams.

Jeri left the ABA in Vegas right after her doctor called to tell her she was pregnant. Jeri immediately caught a taxi to the airport and returned to Los Angeles. She did not bother calling anybody in the ABA to let them know she was leaving. She was not trying to deal with their mouths or attitudes, so she left them high and dry to be laid out on the Las Vegas strip by the Fab Four.

Jenny was hurt the most by Jeri's betrayal. Jenny sponsored Jeri into the ABA. They were good friends, and had a secret pact to one day oust Christina Applegate and take total control of the group. Jenny promised to wait until after Jeri had her baby to get even. It has been a month since Jeri delivered her baby, and now Jenny is there for her penance. Of course with Jeri only one month from pregnancy, Jeri is in no real physical condition for an all out brawl with Jenny. Normally Jeri would be more than happy to go out and fight a bitch, especially one that's destroying her precious restaurant.

CRASH! Jenny overturns another table. "Alright you boney bitch, come on out! I'm not leaving until you do!" Jenny yells like a mad woman.

"This is crazy" Jeri says, and swallows hard. She takes a deep breath and walks out of the kitchen. "Okay Jenny let's talk!"

"Talk!!?!!" Jenny says in dismay "The time to talk was before you left Vegas!" Jenny continues, "I'm a mother too! I would have understood, and if Christina or Nikki had something to say, I would have slapped the shit our of them myself!"

Jeri remains silent. This conversation would go better if either of them were telling the truth. Truth is, while Jeri likes kicking a little ass from time to time, she did not like the demands being an ABA member put on her time and personal life. She was looking for a way out, or at least a part time schedule. The pregnancy was the perfect escape in her mind. Unfortunately this happened in a crucial point in ABA history.

Jenny was lying too. Christina and Nikki had sensed Jeri's growing discontent in the group. Although Christina did not know about Jeri and Jenny's secret pact, she never fully trusted Jeri. Christina started pushing to replace Jeri, and actually tried to get Jamie Pressly to agree to join. Jenny said nothing out of fear of being discovered. Either way, Jeri's 'Milano' was just a matter of time.

Jeri's silence upsets Jenny so she unleashes a cracking smack across Jeri's face. "Jenny wait, I just had a baby, I'm not up to fighting you yet." Jeri desperately tries to explain. "Just leave me alone! Let's settle this another day!"

"You heard her little woman, leave her alone!" says a demanding voice from behind Jenny. The blonde immediately spins around to see who was dumb enough to say that to her, and to her surprise, she only saw really big tits. Slowly her eyes travel up to the owner of those tits' face. She finds standing with a major attitude is the 5'10 Amazon, Catherine Bell.

"Catherine Bell!!?!!" Jenny, exclaims continuing her disbelief expressions. "What the fuck business is this of yours?" Jenny loudly asks.

Catherine has been a fan of Stone Rage's Battle Zone for years. She followed the ABA's rise and cannot stand them. They were a gang of bullies in her opinion. She has wanted to put them in their place for years, but her husband would never allow her to join the league. It seems he had a problem with watching his wife getting beaten and stripped on occasion. Good thing he is not here today. Catherine takes advantage of the opportunity to interject herself into the situation. After she has made herself a target of the ABA, her husband would have no choice but to allow her to enter the league.

"None really, but I'm making it my business, you're messing with a friend of mine." Catherine answers.

"Huh?" Jenny says looking confused. "I've known Jeri forever, and I've never seen you two together."

A sly smile comes to Catherine's lips. Friends is strong word to describe her relationship with Jeri. They talked to each other several times at various Sci-Fi conventions. "That doesn't matter, I'm not letting any ABA scum bully people while I'm around." Catherine says readopting the scowl she was wearing. "If you want to fight somebody so bad, you can fight me." Catherine threatens.

"You want to fight me Jolly Green Giant?" Jenny responds. "You're not in the Battle Zone, you may not know I'm a former Champion and the current top contender. I'll chop your tall ass down and make kindling out of you." the former War Queen warns.

"I know all about you and the ABA. You're a gang of thugs and bullies, absolutely nothing to be worried about." Catherine answers. "Now we either go somewhere more private and settle this like real women, or you can take your sagging butt out of here right now."

Jenny hears the murmurs of the remaining people still in the restaurant. All of those people are waiting to see a free Hollywood catfight. She sizes up Catherine. The brunette is big and looks tough but looks can be deceiving. Jenny notices she is slender, once off of her feet, Catherine would be in trouble, plus she is slightly older than the blonde. Really, none of these factors mattered, there is no way Jenny is backing down. She is fucking ABA, they always kick ass. "Come on Bones, let me hurry and kick your ass, I've got bigger fish to fry." Jenny calmly says.

"We can take this out back of the restaurant," Jeri advises as she leads Catherine and Jenny out through the kitchen to the alley in the back of the restaurant. The handful of customers who remained and the restaurant staff all find their way out back to the alley to view the impending battle. As luck has it in today's society, somebody has a video camera to record the fight, and later post on the internet.

Jenny and Catherine stand several feet apart facing each other, and mentally preparing themselves for the conflict. Catherine reaches behind her back and unzips her dress. Then Catherine dramatically whips the dress off her body and slings it aside. Then Catherine puts her hands on her hips standing in nothing but a white bra and matching panties. The crowd lets out loud comments and exclaims admiring at the raven haired Amazon standing like a super hero. You could see Catherine fighting the urge to smile from the crowd's response to her display. Her confidence gets a tremendous boost.

Being a grizzled catfight veteran, Jenny is unimpressed by Catherine's show. Jenny smacks her lips and rolls her eyes at Catherine and the crowd. Jenny opts to remained clothed in a black tank top and a denim mini skirt. She was not about to let her precious body get skinned up by the pavement like her novice opponent.

Jenny chooses to get her advantage a different way. She charges at Catherine unannounced. The big brunette sees her coming, but does not react in time. Jenny wraps her arms around Catherine's waist and tackles her down to the pavement. Catherine wrestles with Jenny briefly, but the skilled blonde is able to pin Catherine down with a full body press. Catherine barely gets her hands up to absorb some of the brunt of Jenny's fist that soon come raining down on her. The wily blonde then grabs Catherine's hair and tries to bang the back of her head on the pavement, but Catherine rakes Jenny across her eyes with her talons before too much damage is done.

Jenny rises off Catherine and backs away until her vision clears. Catherine slowly rises to her feet. She knew she was in for a fight, but Jenny has already proven much tougher than she ever imagined. Before the fight Catherine was positive she would win, but now she has serious doubts.

Catherine and Jenny circle each other with their fist bawled and in boxer's stances. After Catherine fires four quick jarring jabs that snaps Jenny's head around. The blonde decides boxing Catherine is not in her best interest. Jenny proves she is quicker than a Cat, as shoots in low and captures Catherine around her knees. A quick jerk later, Jenny topples Catherine off her feet onto her butt. "Whew! note to self," Jenny thinks, "The bitch can box her ass off, but can't wrestle worth shit!"

Catherine starts digging stinging punches and fist into Jenny's ribs and body while the blonde struggles to gain control of Catherine's arms to stop the strikes. Seizing an opportunity, Jenny lunges up and secures a side headlock on Catherine. Jenny holds the larger woman down by lying across her chest. Then Jenny starts pummeling Catherine with punches to her temple. Everybody hears Catherine's loud grunts and groans over the noise of the onlookers.

Catherine grabs a handful of Jenny's long hair and cranes her head backwards, eliminating the leverage necessary to apply power behind her headlock, and takes away her punching power. Catherine pulls back even further until it is not only painful for Jenny, but the hold is practically broken. Jenny releases her hold and tries to rise to her feet. Although Catherine never lets go of Jenny's blonde hair and stands with Jenny. Then she uses her double handful to sling Jenny to the ground. Then keeps that double hair hold to jerk Jenny up again, and sling her back down another direction. Another jerk and another sling, followed by another, until poor Jenny feels like a life size yo yo.

Catherine yanks Jenny to her feet one more time, then steps forward and plows into the blonde's stomach with a ripping punch. Jenny lets out a deep heave and doubles over with most of the breath knocked out of her. Catherine crashes down on the back of Jenny's neck with her elbow, sending Jenny crashing face first to the ground.

Catherine is relishing in this new experience. The crowd, consisting largely of Jeri Ryan's employees and fans are cheering loudly for Catherine. Naturally Catherine has a compulsion to try and please them. She knows the perfect way to do so. Catherine reaches down and grabs Jenny's black tank top, and pulls it off over Jenny's head. The crowd, of course, explodes with cheers and yells. Jenny is happy that Catherine took the time to remove her shirt and gives her a chance to catch her breath. "Dumb rookie" Jenny mutters under her breath.

Maybe Catherine not as dumb as Jenny thinks. Catherine loops the top around Jenny's neck and pulls her to her feet. Now Catherine uses the top to choke Jenny and sling her around at the same time. Jenny goes from feeling like a yo yo to a rag doll. She is getting very tired of being this big girl's play thing. Jenny lunges and drives her elbow into Catherine's gut. While Catherine grunts and winces, Jenny drops to her knees, then drives a piston like punch into Catherine' crotch. Catherine lets Jenny go and staggers back, holding her cunt and making, strange and funny short squeals.

Jenny stands with her mind racing with thoughts of how she is going to hurt Catherine. Her imagination is working in overdrive trying to find ways to punish and humiliate this Amazon bimbo. Jenny marches towards Catherine with her fist bawled. As soon as she reaches Catherine, Jenny's fists start to blur. Jenny starts bombing away at Catherine's head. Catherine squeals, tries to cover up, and retaliating with straight shots of her own. Many of Jenny's blows are blocked, but many get through peppering Catherine's face. All of Catherine's retaliatory shots land, but the tough blonde ignores them and keeps swinging.

Catherine uses her reach advantage to grab Jenny by the head, and pulls her in close. Then Catherine blasts Jenny to the ear and side of the head with forearm shots until Jenny staggers away. Catherine follows immediately, but when she approaches, Jenny explodes into Catherine with another flurry of ferocious fists. Catherine tries to fight back but despite her best efforts, Jenny is marching her backwards with her fists. Catherine gains a newfound respect for Jenny, and everybody in Stone Rage's Battle Zone. Jenny is not just a bully, she is one tough, mean bitch that can fight.

Realizing she taking a beating Catherine grabs Jenny again and drags both of them down to the ground. Catherine rolls and gets on top of Jenny, but that is extremely short lived as Jenny grabs hold and rolls Catherine off her and then mounts the brunette. The veteran Jenny knows how to spread her legs so Catherine cannot easily reverse positions. Once seated on Catherine's chest she lets her fist fly. Catherine reaches up, grabs a handful of blonde hair, and yanks hard. Jenny is still throwing angry fist to Catherine's tits and face. Finally, Jenny finds a way to grab Catherine's black hair and pull her head into the open. Then with her face exposed and vulnerable, Jenny slams her in the face with several strong fist, that land flush on Catherine's jaw.

Catherine is taking a serious pounding, and struggles and thrashes underneath Jenny to escape. Jenny does a good job riding Catherine like a broncobuster, and fires explosive punches to Catherine's face every time the opportunity arises. After recieving a beating, somehow Catherine gets her feet up and is able to kick Jenny away.

Both ladies roll in opposite directions and stand up. Jenny is proud of herself when she sees Catherine. The brunette's expression shows fatigue, fear, and frustration. She is red faced and her face is showing signs of being hammered. Jenny has seen that look many, many times before. Many women have that look before Jenny finishes them off and brutally kicks their ass. Then Jenny takes extreme pleasure, humiliating, and punishing them. She is really going to enjoy busting this big bitch, she plans on bragging about this victory for years to come.

Then to everybody's and especially Jenny's shock, Catherine charges after Jenny throwing fist. Jenny never expected this type of fire from a novice. Jenny backpedals fast as she can, not even throwing punches back. Luckily, for Jenny her tired aggressor trips as she presses and follows Jenny. Jenny reacts with astonishing quickness. She grabs Catherine's jet black hair and start pulling Catherine as hard as she can. Catherine ends up being drug by her hair, in-between walking on her knees trying to lessen the pain.

Catherine lunges in and clutches Jenny around the waist while still standing on both knees. Jenny responds by falling forward to the ground and pinning Catherine prone to the pavement underneath her. Jenny rock Catherine again with a few more clean shots to her face. Catherine's face now clearly shows fatigue and despair and borderline defeat. Everybody can clearly see Catherine is extremely close to bieng broken, and allowing Jenny to have her way with her.

Catherine reaches up and grabs Jenny by her hair, and nap of her neck and pulls the blonde down on top of her. Catherine holds Jenny very close in a clench to stop her from hitting her and to get a much needed rest break. The spectators hear Catherine take heaving deep breaths, while Jenny is held very close, too close for Jenny to strike.

Jenny is still on top of Catherine in a full body press, but Catherine's clench prevents her from inflicting any damage. Nobody knows better than Jenny, Catherine's erratic loud deep wheezing breaths indicating the novice is down to her last reserves of energy. "This bitch is gassed!" Jenny thinks. Jenny recognizes that Catherine is fighting on heart alone, and hearts are made to be broken. "I need to finish this fast! If I twist to my right, I can get out of this, and get her skinny arm in a lock that'll have her tapping like a bitch. If I do that, I have to give her my back." 'Giving her my back' is a mixed martial arts terms, meaning to turn your back to your opponent and giving your opponent an opportunity to easily apply a chokehold. "Ah this stupid bitch is too dumb and tired to know what to do anyway." Jenny thinks.

Sure enough, Jenny grabs Catherine's wrist, and twists to her right. Sure enough, she started to break Catherine's clench. Then when Jenny continues to turn and her back is against Catherine's chest, the brunette's arm clamps around Jenny's neck. Catherine's legs close and she rolls over till she is lying on the blonde's back, with Jenny pinned on her chest. "SHIT!" Jenny shouts as her fear becomes reality.

Catherine pulls back with a handful of blonde hair, lifting Jenny's torso off the ground and starts swinging angry blows to the side of Jenny's head and face. The thumping sound as Catherine's fist slams against Jenny's head attests to the power in Catherine's blows.

Jeri wisely yells out "Choke her out Cathy, choke her out!" As Jenny grunts and tries desperately to cover up.

While Catherine is definitely untrained she is an avid sport fan, who has seen enough UFC fights to know somewhat what to do. She places one forearm across the blonde's throat and the other behind her neck, and grabs both elbows squeezing Jenny's throat in the middle like a vice. Jenny grabs and tugs on Catherine's arms but it is hopeless, she is trapped.

Jeri casually walks to Catherine and Jenny, "Ohhhh Jenny, looks like you're caught in Cathy's rear naked choke. I can convince her to let you go, but lets get some things straight first." Jeri chides to the gagging blonde. "First, you leave me alone, and never come back here trying to fight, and we'll sign a contract to have it out 3 months from now in the ring. Nobody trashes my restaurant and gets away with it. I'm going to fuck you up. Two, you're paying for the damages you've caused."

Left with no options, Jenny choking and unable to speak, taps the ground indicating her acceptance of these terms of surrender. Catherine releases her captive and leaps up celebrating her victory with Jeri. While the two celebrate, and others come to congratulate the victor, as a gasping and embarrassed Jenny lies on the ground.

Jenny lies in confusion, wondering how did this happen. She came to give Jeri ‘The Milano’, now she is the one lying defeated on the ground, beaten by a forty year old rookie no less. She is the number one contender to the War Queen championship, and in her mind without a doubt the future champion. This is not supposed to happen to her, and Jenny has no intentions to let this humiliation simply pass without a fight.

As she catches her breath and the alley stops spinning, Jenny looks around her surroundings. "Damn! This is the cleanest alley in America." Jenny thinks. She always loved Jeri's restaurant being so clean when she ate there. Finally, she sees a mop leaning against the wall near the kitchen door. As she expected, Catherine is foolishly still in the alley talking to the fans, and ignoring her. Gathering every bit of energy left in her body, Jenny springs up and makes a mad dash for the mop.

It felt like forever to Jenny, but it takes only a slit second, Jenny grabs the mop and wheels around headed toward Catherine. Whoosh! Jenny swings at the squealing Amazon with the mop handle. Catherine is able to get her arm up to bock the mop, as her fans scatter in every direction. "OUCH!" Catherine realizes that the mop handle hurts, whether blocking it or when it strikes her cleanly.

The next few moments are spent with Catherine running, ducking and dodging as Jenny chases after her constantly swinging the mop. Sometimes Jenny misses, other times she strikes Catherine hard. Jenny learns to swing low and hit Catherine in her thighs, slowing the brunette's flight, so she really can inflict some damage.

"Catherine!" Jeri yells, "Catch!", and tosses her a metal serving tray, she has retrieved from the kitchen. Catherine catches the flying disc, and uses it to shield herself from Jenny's next swipe.

Jenny keeps swinging at Catherine, but now the Amazon is able to swat almost every strike away. Jenny faithfully attacks, but Catherine is able to defend herself with ease. Finally, Catherine swats down on the mop handle knocking the tip of the mop to the pavement. Catherine puts her big foot on the mop handle, and holds it in place. Then she takes her other foot and stomps down on the middle of the handle, snapping it in two.

Jenny looks up wide eyed and her mouth open in shock that her weapon has been broken in two. She takes a swing with what's left of the mop handle, but Catherine swings her tray striking Jenny's hands and wrist, knocking the rest of the handle out of her hands.

Jenny starts slowly backing up with a look of fear and shock on her face, as Catherine deliberately walks toward her with the tray in hand. Suddenly Catherine drops the tray and says, "I don't need any help to knock your sorry ass out." Then she blasts the blonde across the chin with a huge right cross. Jenny's body stiffens and she falls flat on her back like a tree.

When Jenny finally wakes up, she finds herself alone in the alley, and stripped of every thread of clothing she was wearing. There is nothing else for her to do, but stand up and slowly sulk back to her car. She walks from around the building, and slowly sulks down the Los Angeles sidewalk stark naked. She ignores the people gawking and yelling at her. She cannot even hear them as she wallows in her defeat. Once reaching her car, Jenny retrieves her keys stashed under her bumper. (A veteran catfighter is always prepared for a situation like this.) She opens her trunk and puts on the long t shirt stored there and drives away. She is dreading the phone calls she will surely receive tomorrow. Christina Applegate will be laughing and teasing her. Demi Moore will be bitching about being stupid, and stopping the ABA's momentum. Always scary Nikki Cox will be complaining about the new monster named Catherine Bell, she has undoubtedly created and released on the league.

"Damn this sucks!" Jenny says as she drives down the empty streets of late night Los Angeles. The onlookers who follow Jenny to her car, see her sports car speed over the horizen into a giant full moon that seems to to be sitting on top of the hill. Jenny drives into the moonlight and into an uncertain future.

Meanwhile Catherine and Jeri sit in the restaurant getting truly acquainted. Stories and dreams of the future are shared. They have already called the Battle Zone office to make sure a catfighting contract will be sent to Catherine the following morning. A victory over tough Jenny McCarthy in any shape or form is quite an accomplishment. They look outside the window at a big ole full moon that light's up the night. With smiles on both of their faces, they toast a bright new future.


Losing Captain is Fucked Fisted and humiliated!
Mr. Skin